


I'll Sleep Close to Heaven

by Kyriathe



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Empathy Bond, Kuron is my favourite and I want him to be happy and have a place, Kuron still thinks he's Shiro, Multi, Polydins, artificial soul bonding, shameless self indulgence, the space lions forgot to ask first though, what if the piloting bond was permanent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:35:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25507573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyriathe/pseuds/Kyriathe
Summary: Shiro woke up alone, far away from his team, and making his way back to them wasn't easy. But although he's managed to find them physically, there's a strange distance now that wasn't there before. His team are much closer to each other than he remembers- but they're avoiding him, the Black Lion won't take him, and he's getting headaches.It's lonely.
Relationships: Allura/Hunk/Keith/Lance/Pidge | Katie Holt/Kuron, Allura/Hunk/Keith/Lance/Pidge | Katie Holt/Shiro
Kudos: 12





	I'll Sleep Close to Heaven

He's not sure what he expected when he steps down from his borrowed Galra fighter, but the silent semi-circle of faces isn't quite it. Keith had seemed so relieved to find him, but there's definitely some tension he can't place now he's actually face to face. He scans the room, not sure what to say, what he's done, if it's just that being gone so long has changed things or if there's something genuinely wrong. He just hopes he keeps the uncertainty to himself. He feels out of practice at being in control.

The wait for something to happen feels like forever, between all the blank faces on one side and the effort he has to put into hiding his discomfort on the other.

And then, without looking at each other, it's like some kind of decision is made. Faces relax, and it's only once Lance lets his bayard shift back he realises there was a gun on him all this time. He blinks, surprised, but- a little proud, maybe. Clearly they've learned to work together as a team, at least. He just wishes it wasn't aimed at him. Since when was he the enemy?

Keith steps forward, and it must be Shiro's imagination that the smile looks a little different to how he remembers, a strange flatness in his tone, but he still says, "Welcome home."

It's not quite the welcome he expected, especially not from Keith. But he tries not to react too strongly- he's been gone for a while, after all. It's got to be strange, finally having him back, when he probably looks so different. "Glad to be back," he tries, wincing when it comes out a little hoarse. 

"I'll bet. Long trip, right?" Lance still sounds normal, at least, and his smile is still just as overdone as always. "Come on, I'll make sure you get to your room. You look like you need a nap. Hunk will get dinner sorted, right?"

Hunk is silent for a moment, but then seems to flinch, turning to look at- weirdly- Keith with a look of betrayal. "Oh, uh- right. Yeah, I can do that."

"Okay." Lance steps out of the semi-circle, and Shiro is still imagining things, because it looks almost like Pidge reaches for Lance, before she pulls her hand back. But then Lance's hand is on his shoulder. It's unexpected, but brief, and he's sure he sees disappointment in a couple of faces, but he's so tired that maybe he's making it up. Besides, Lance is still talking. "You okay there?"

"I- yes. Just tired, I think," Shiro says, bewildered. He's also thirsty, and he's still coming down off the sudden adrenaline rush of being rescued when he'd resigned himself to death, and his head is pounding, probably from the oxygen deprivation, but he's never liked showing weakness to his team. He's the oldest of them, and someone has to provide stability and protection for them. Blaming tiredness seems like a good compromise between not letting his issues show, and the probably obvious state he's in.

And they don't question it, so maybe it was the right thing to say. Lance starts walking off with a quick look over his shoulder, and Shiro follows. He's half-expecting the constant chatter he gets, but it feels oddly shallow. Maybe it's because Lance isn't stopping to let him respond. The again, maybe that's the point? Lance used to like talking, and this could be just to fill the silence, let Shiro readjust to the castle. It just doesn't feel like it.

Eventually they reach a familiar hallway, and Lance stops by one of the doors. Shiro frowns again, because that's- he doesn't think that's his door? But his memory is a little fuzzy, and all the doors look the same.

"Thanks, Lance," he says, trying to seem in control, as hard as it is in a ragged prisoner outfit. He _was_ in charge, here. He can get that back. He has to.

"No problem," Lance says, with another of those overblown smiles. He reaches out again, hand on Shiro's arm, and it's almost like he expects something, especially when Lance's hand falls away again and he looks strangely disappointed. "Grab a shower and some clothes and I'll come back and grab you in a couple of hours, okay?" 

"Sure," Shiro says, and watches Lance leave. The door opens to his human hand, so it must be his after all, but... he still can't help feeling like he's missed something, somewhere. He just can't understand what.

* * *

The next few weeks are just as bad, a barrage of strange interactions he can't explain and that just don't fit with his memory of the team. The only one of them that seems all that much like his memories is Coran, and even then, there's some distance he doesn't understand. The rest of them...

He walks into rooms with his team in, and they look almost surprised to see him, often with some variation on "I didn't hear you coming" as an explanation. Even trying to walk a little more loudly doesn't work; he still gets silent faces turning to look at him, wide blank eyes staring at him like he's an intruder. He feels like one, like he's interrupting something important, but he never hears them speaking before he enters the room, or after he leaves- even if he stops to listen, any sense of guilt at eavesdropping pushed to one side by the need to understand.

They don't really talk to him much, either, past the odd conversational comment. They also don't seem to talk to each other, but it feels different between them, a warmer silence. And it's noticeable how in sync they work, even without words, but it always seems to stumble around him. As if they really don't notice him there, unless they trip over him.

Then there's the way they all seem to be comfortable enough now to be touching all the time. Not unexpected from Hunk or Lance, who have always been somewhat prone to casual touching, but the first time he catches Keith casually brushing his fingers over Pidge's hair in passing is very strange. Stranger still when Pidge doesn't seem to mind, just offers Keith a quick warm look and moves on. And he's not sure when Allura started allowing Lance to take her hand, when she was so adamantly against it before he got captured, or allowing Hunk to hug her. 

Which also makes the other awkward thing so much clearer: none of them come nearer to Shiro than they have to. Even Keith, and Keith is the only one of them that still talks to Shiro all that much, between his missions away that no-one seems to explain. Not that that's better, when it feels like a very careful interrogation is going on behind all the reminiscing, an attempt to trip him up over the details. Or when it feels like there's a hole missing from the explanations, some secret they all have that leaves him on the outside. It feels like there's something more to it than the months he's been away, and he's not sure how he's supposed to begin to overcome that. 

It feels like he's failing, and he hates it.

He's never really been good with people on a personal level, and even less so after the time in the Arena, but he misses the tentative relationship he was building with them. It hurts, sometimes, that they don't seem to miss it with him. Almost as much as the headaches that have started to plague him, that keep him awake and tense and wary.

It doesn't help that Black has closed him out again too, that he's essentially a sixth wheel, stuck doing nothing as his team goes out and fights. They won't let him in on strategy planning, won't let him even make suggestions- they say it's so he can rest, that he must be tired after being with the Galra so long, but it feels like more than that. And even with Keith away, Black won't respond to him, no matter how much he asks or how long he paces in the cargo bay- although admittedly, he spends longer down there than he has to, just to avoid the team and that invisible wall he finds himself on the other side of.

* * *

And then one day it's desperate, and his team is in danger, and- instead of silence, there's a moment of weight and judgement. The same as there was the first time he bonded with his lion. And then he's finally, _finally_ back where he belongs. In space, in the fight, with his team around him, part of something again.

Adrenaline carries him through the fight- adrenaline, and the need to concentrate on the moment, rather than the strangeness around him. The team follow his lead, and if it's not quite as smooth as they seem to be with Keith- at least it works, at least they feel cohesive enough to be a team again. Even his headache is gone, for once. They _win_ , and it's the first victory he's had since his escape, and there's noise as Lance whoops and Hunk cheers and even Allura unbends enough to make a pleased noise. It feels normal, in a way nothing has recently.

Feeling good lasts just long enough to make it uncomfortable when he lands, and the team congratulate him but the wall is still there. There's still some test he hasn't passed, it feels like. Something that leaves a lurking sadness in their eyes when they look at him, even though they won't speak of it.

And then Keith comes back, and Shiro is expecting a meeting, but everyone vanishes, instead. Gone, and Shiro doesn't know where. It's another strangeness, another cold shoulder, and he's so tired of it and not being able to show how tired he is.

When he goes looking, Coran is in the control room, but he gives Shiro an appraising look before he tells him he doesn't know where the others are. It's a lie. He can tell. He leaves the control room disorientated, heading anywhere. He's not sure where. His room. The hangar bay. The training room. Somewhere he can be alone without feeling excluded- although it will still be there, in all the ways that matter.

The lounge wasn't on the list of rooms, but it's the room he ends up at, all the same. He can hear voices on the other side of the door, low and muffled, and he almost leaves, but the door opens before he can. Lance stands in the doorway, looking entirely unsurprised to see him. Behind him- well, it's easier to look at Lance in his familiar pyjamas than the loose sprawl of thankfully also clothed limbs he sees behind him, no matter how comfortable the team looks that way. Even Keith, currently curled up against Pidge's knee as she goes through a laptop. Allura's hand on Keith's shoulder as she reads a datapad of some kind. Hunk sprawled out on the floor, one leg pressed to Keith's.

"We did wonder if you'd find us," says Lance, with a friendlier smile than he's given in movements, and it's like Shiro can feel the shift too. Wariness turned to a warmer curiosity, although it's still muted. "We felt you coming, though."

"What's happening?" he asks, desperately confused, and Lance smiles a little more widely, and- for the first time, reaches to take his hand. Casual, just like he is with the rest of the team. And Shiro lets it happen, hand rising like he knows it's coming.

Their fingers meet, and it's like something snaps into place. Muted warmth becomes something stronger, five distinct points of welcome. But he can still feel it's toned down, something between him and the rest of it, and he's almost glad for it. It's already overwhelming enough. Lance tugs him into the lounge, and Shiro goes, pulled by more than just the physical contact. 

"That's what I'm here to explain," Lance says, cheerful. "Pidge and Hunk would try to give you all the boring science, and Keith doesn't know what words _are_ , and Allura goes all Altean terminology about it-" Lance smiles over his shoulder, and Shiro swears he can hear a collective fuck you from the other four people in the room as they all turn to look at Lance, but it's warm and affectionate and Lance doesn't seem inclined to take it seriously either as he turns back to Shiro "-so you get me for the layman's explanation, because I'm the best at keeping it simple. Also, I _like_ talking."

He's almost grateful for that; he's not sure he's up to science today. Maybe later, when he's got his head around what's happening a little more, he'll be happier to think about it. "Okay..."

"We think it's a security feature," Lance says, still pulling Shiro over to the group, although Shiro feels distinctly nervous about it. He doesn't remember anything like this, at all. "Something the lions did, to keep us working as a team. Or maybe to prevent more Zarkons... anyway. It's just more of the same thing as the bond to the lions but to each other, or the mind-meld thing but permanent. Only less intense." He shrugs. "A safety net, maybe. Or- like climbers, harnessed together in case one of them falls. We're just harnessed together on the emotional level, now.

Lance settles down, pulling Shiro down with him onto a layer of blankets and covers spread across the lowered section of floor between the seats, and before Shiro can really think about it Hunk shifts to lean on him on the other side, a surprisingly comfortable weight, with little more than a "Hi". It's distracting, but- it feels safer than he has for the longest time. It feels like home, finally.

"I'm the second best at control," Lance says, and there's a little of the boasting there would have been once, but mostly just fact. "Allura's better, but humans and Alteans are a little different and she's still getting used to being in the bond herself, so I'm your buffer for now. It can be a bit overwhelming at first, otherwise. Especially with Keith back." He rolls his eyes. "He's having a pity party again, which is half the reason we're here."

Keith actually speaks up for the first time, tone relaxed and almost sleepy. "I was not." He almost sits up, but Pidge pushes him back down without even looking away from her laptop and Allura's hand tightens on his shoulder. " _You_ have pity parties, Lance. Besides, I think I'm done."

"...You won't be done for quintants, Keith," Lance says, with no heat at all, although there's a slyly amused undercurrent on the web. "We're going to be sleeping in here all movement while you work out all your problems with not being here to be a self-sacrificial jerk."

There's a burst of mock offence back, strong enough that Shiro can't quite escape the mental image of an eyeroll, and he's suddenly glad to have a buffer.

"We sleep in here anyway," Hunk murmurs to him, quietly. "Only place big enough to fit all of us and still be comfortable. And we sleep better as a group."

Lance reaches around Shiro to poke Hunk, a friendly gesture. "I was getting there. Don't freak Shiro out with all the details yet." He shrugs again and leans back, more comfortable in his skin than Shiro remembers. "We'll get to the more serious bits later. Just for now, this is the other half of the reason we're here. You can decide if you want to stay, or not."

Shiro looks at the rest of them, uncertain. "...How did you get Keith to agree to this?" he asks, because that's the bit he's stuck on. He just can't reconcile Keith with being comfortable having his feelings on open display.

"It snuck up on me," Keith answers, still relaxed. "And it was... easier to get close to people when I already knew how they really felt. You know half the problem always was that I assumed people were going to hate me even before I talked to them."

"It's hard to keep hating someone when you can feel how anxious they are about talking to you," Lance adds, with only a faint trace of guilt, kept muted, and even that's met with a stronger moment of don't-worry from Keith's direction. "And Keith is the absolute worst at keeping his feelings under control. But it wasn't as strong as it is now, at first. It didn't really kick in past vague feelings until after- you were gone, and by then we were used to each other." There's something there that he doesn't understand, some feeling he doesn't get, but Lance shakes his head. "That's one of the details we'll get into later, if you stay. Otherwise- we can get the lions to shut you out. The only problem is that as far as we can tell, it's all or nothing. No bond, no lion. Or lion, bond, but we don't have many secrets, any more. Too hard to keep. Even if we don't read minds, you're always going to feel _something_ about having a secret, right?"

It's a lot to take in, even if he closes his eyes. He brings so many scars with him, so many moments of weakness and horror, and he isn't sure he should do that to his team. He's responsible for them. And his team are younger than him, shouldn't have to deal with him in their group. And it means something in his head, a fear he's had for so long since the druids.

At the same time, it still feels warm. Eyes closed, he can feel his team more clearly, Lance eager on one side, Hunk stable on the other. Keith is all flickers and flares of feelings, a want for Shiro to stay and a worry he'll walk away. Allura is more restrained, but no less welcoming. Pidge, despite her preoccupation with her laptop, is fiercely curious about his answer. None of them want him to leave. All of them are willing to keep him here, whatever secrets he brings. They've grown up, since he's been gone- but being in a war will do that, he supposes.

There's nothing hostile in the network that he can feel, nothing at all like the malice he's used to to. And if he leaves, he won't be able to help his team. Even if Keith is back, there has to be something he can still do for his team, even if it's mission control.

"I mean, you don't have to decide right now," Lance murmurs, and the fact his indecision is so obvious is alarming, but it's nice to have the reassurance. "Tomorrow is still good, too. Sleep on it, if you want." That gets a wave of very muted worry through the net, but Lance doesn't seem bothered. "I can catch up on my sleep after you pick."

"Catch up-" Oh. Lance said he was a buffer, so he's the reason things are still muted. If he sleeps, presumably the barrier goes down. And it's Lance, who Shiro remembers getting at least eight hours sleep as often as possible. "I can't let you do that, Lance."

"Yeah, I thought you'd say something like that. It's such a responsible Shiro thing to say." There's still something under that that Lance is keeping very under control, but he smiles warmly. "But you don't have to feel responsible for me. I make bad choices all the time, can't stop all of them." That gets at least three snorts from different directions, and Lance offers them all another blinding smile and says with confidence, "You love me, really. And _you_ can't talk, Mullet."

He's been outside, and it's cold, even if they wouldn't deliberately exclude him. There's just less space for people outside the net, now. And- they want him, he can tell. He can feel it, a strange tension in the web, a reluctance to let him go. "And... if I want to stay?"

That nets him at least two smiles he can see, and a less muted wash of relief. "Then you stay," Lance says lightly, and is met with murmurs of assent from everyone else in the room.

It's an easy choice, put that way. 

Later on, having being gently pushed to go change and gently pulled back when uncertainty gets the better of him- and he's going to have to get used to that, too, the way doubt is met with reassurance every time- he's part of the sprawl again. On the edge, because he's not sure he's comfortable being the middle of the pile any time soon, but Keith's hand is resting next to his shoulder, and someone's knee is resting against his calf. Around him, he can hear soft breathing, the web mostly turned down to soft, unfocussed feeling as people slip off into sleep. It's comfortable.

"It's home," Keith whispers, the last one awake, and Shiro has to agree.

**Author's Note:**

> See the shameless self-indulgence tag? Yeah. Title from Breaking Benjamin - Close to Heaven.
> 
> Everyone is a bit weird because they'd started bonding to Shiro before he left, so when he comes back and even that's gone they know something is up but not the details. They'll work on it. Kuron's in now, and they'll keep him there.
> 
> I tend to think of the lions as sentient in a very... distant, alien way. They've got a universe to save. Feelings aren't often a consideration. They pick who they pick, and their pilot doesn't get much say in it. So in this case, they made a decision they thought would be better, and did it without asking. A little creepy, but the team are dealing.


End file.
